Dear Mama

The other night I was putting my 5-year old to bed and I held her close and whispered, “I promise to never, ever leave you.”  This promise may seem ridiculous, but it stems from my insecurities about the impact my working for 3 years of her toddlerhood took on her, always shipping her off to be in the care of someone else rather than feel her mother’s love day in and out.  I always worry it will cause some kind of insecurity.  And her response?  “What about when you die? How will we be together then?”

Mark 16:16 says, “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.”

I responded to my little girl, telling her if she wants to see me after we die she needs to grow up to love God, to try to be good, and to be baptized and follow Jesus.  She asks if I’ve been baptized and I tell her yes.  I promise her I’m going to do all I can to go to Heaven but that she needs to do the same.  Then we will be together forever.

I think about the people in my life I love more than words can describe.  I think about those I’ve already lost – good, honest, hard-working people… non-Christians… and I wonder… did they go to Heaven?  Will the other people in my life that I love, other non-Christians or luke-warm Christians, will they be saved?  Can you go to Heaven without following God’s road map?  It is hard to think about those we love most not going to Heaven.  When I do let my guard down and think about it I weep for them and for myself.  It makes me feel like I’ve failed those I love the most because I wasn’t able to show them how great God’s love is.  But He did give clear instruction in His book on how to be saved.  I have no clue how to absolutely guarantee someone goes to Heaven, but I’d say the Bible would hold the most probable answer.

There are times I want to quit.  I want to quit it all –  quit being responsible, quit having to set an alarm to get up early when it’s the weekend (!!!), quit striving to better myself for my family and just be selfish.  Heck I’d just like to use the restroom one time without having someone bust in on me!  I’d like to just start locking the bathroom door.  Lock them out.  Quit it all.  Live for me.

Then my little girl asks me that innocent question, “What about when you die?  How will we be together then?”  And all selfish desires melt.  Imagining a day without my beautiful, sweet, loving girls literally rips my heart from my chest (to the point that I’m actually tearing up just typing this – I’m such a sap!) and I love them so much I would literally go to the ends of the world for them I would do anything to know that there would never be a day in which I would have to be without them.  And with that I press on.  I give all of myself to the Lord, I surrender my heart and soul and I teach them to love Jesus.  I pray that it sticks but I know it ultimately will be their choice and I realize life is a marathon.  As for me, I choose to follow His road map.  I pray I see you at the finish line.

Run by faith,


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. allieksmith
    May 30, 2012 @ 12:19:57

    WOW! I’m tearing up right now!!!


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